


Something's laughing at me through a two-sided mirror, whatever it is, it is laughing at me

by 1000lux



Series: Hunger [2]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Canon, Emotional Trauma, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, M/M, Mockingjay Spoilers, Past Brainwashing, Peeta's perspective, References to Torture, Stream of Consciousness, Unreliable Narrator, other perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2396453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/1000lux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peeta is back from the Capitol. Physically intact, mentally not so much. The Events of Mockingjay told from the perspective of someone who can't tell reality from hallucination most of the times.</p><p>Basically the Events from "the things we lost in the fire" from Peeta's perspective, with some so far untold Events added.^^</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something's laughing at me through a two-sided mirror, whatever it is, it is laughing at me

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hunger Games, neither the books nor the movies!
> 
> You don't have to have read the first part, I guess, since it's stream of consciousness anyway, but I guess it will be less confusing if you have read the first part.
> 
> I you happen to have read the second part before the first, please tell me about your experience.^^
> 
> I've been sitting on this one for so Long now and have so Little time to write recently, that I've decided to just post this now. No matter, what other ideas I still had.
> 
> The title is from Rihanna's "What now", because I thought it just fitted Peeta's state perfectly.
> 
> I just love the whole tell-the-story-from-the-other-perspective-concept, so I really couldn't help myself. xb

****

It's times like this, I feel my life fall apart  
Bumbling bits and pieces, turning me inside out  
When reality parts from reason,  
And you are left a spectator,  
Unattached, helpless,  
Clinging to the chain around your neck,  
While your brain spits shards and nails,  
Cutting you where you least expect it  
You try to retrace steps that were never your own  
Knowing that the place you want to return to  
Doesn't exist anymore  
But you keep moving, as long as you can tell the  
Color of your eyes, when you look in the mirror  
If you scream it will only be loud  
Because there's nothing left to mend,  
But there's nothing to destroy either

****

My first memory is darkness. My first real memory? I don't know. I think its the fan on the ceiling of  
my hospital room.

****

Where am I? It's dark. Johanna. Why isn't she back?

****

"Peeta, time to wake up!"  
Mom! I need to help dad in the bakery.

****

The splash of ice cold water hits me in the face.

****

I'm running the mutt is right behind me. She presses her lips to mine. Then her fangs part and she eats  
my lips.

****

Where am I? Some kind of hospital? Did they fuck me up this bad this time? Nothing hurts. Not more than  
usual.

****

"Just tell us everything you know, it will be so much easier afterwards."  
It's a lie. I know it's a lie.

****

I look around the place. The doctors. I don't know any of them. It's nice and clean, but I'm not in the  
Capitol any longer, I can tell. They say, I'm save now. It might be a trick though. A giant charade.  
They come and go. I sleep. Breakfast. How many days has it been?

****

"Time to wake up, Peeta." The voice is gentle.  
The TV's in the room turn on at the same time. The familiar scenes running again.  
And I start screaming. I hate myself for it. So soon, he hasn't even started yet. I want to sob and beg  
him for mercy. I want him to kill me.

****

The door opens. It's not the nurse. I know the nurse by now. She's not an Avox and she's not a member of  
the capitol. Her hair is blond. I was lost in thought for a moment. The someone who's entered is slinging  
their arms around me, I push them away. Oh god! Oh god! They were right! Everything they told me is true!  
Why didn't I see it earlier?! Oh god, Oh god, I have to do something. My hands shake. No one will help me.  
They'll let her kill me. I put my fingers around her neck even though I'm nearly paralyzed by fear. Saliva  
drips on my hands from her chaps. Her claws scratch my hands bloody, but I don't let go.  
Black. Voices. Someone's yelling. I can't move. That's not news. So I'm still in the Capitol after all. No, Katniss  
was here. She's not in the Capitol. They didn't let her eat me. The man standing in front of me is angry, he's yelling  
at me. A stern looking woman, maybe a doctor is telling him to get out. Another man barges  
in. I think he's going to hit me. But I can't move. It's Gale. The name takes shape in my head, matching with a face.  
I know him. Two persons I don't know grab his arms and drag him out. There's a lot more yelling out there, someone's crying. My arm is itching. No! No, no, no! I can't reach it! Oh god! Oh god! I need to take it out!  
Hm? My head hurts. Not like getting hit, more like a serious headache. My throat feels sore, I must have  
screamed. My head is fixated on the bed now. I can only look at the ceiling. I feel a littel anxious at the  
thought of only looking at the ceiling. But everything feels not so important right now. I don't even know  
why I was so freaked out about the needle any longer. The mutt is talking to me. She's probably going to rip  
out my throat. I smile faintly and yawn. The ceiling is very white.

****

"Get a grip, Peeta." The voice is harsh. The hand that grips mine cold. "If you want them to let you out of here at one point you have to pull yourself together." I know the words. I know the voice. Usually it would scream.  
"Yes, Johanna."

****

Haymitch tells me my family is dead. His adams apple bobs up and down. My finger nails have gotten pretty long,  
I wonder if they'll let me have scissors. Why is he staring at me? Oh, he expects me to say something. I  
nod, showing that I heard what he said. He's sorry. What for? He's hardly ever met my parents. His hand  
is on my arm. I feel a muscle in my face twitch, but I know better than to lash out now. They'll just put  
me back on the tranquilizers. They're bad, I can tell between reality and hallucination even harder then.

****

Jo. Jo. Jo. Johanna. J-o-h-a-n-n-a. She comes to visit me again. She just sits there, watching for a while, playing with some piece of thread coming off at he seam of her shirt.  
Usually I'm not that lucid, when she comes. I try to save my lucidness? for her though.  
She talks about the food in the cafeteria a bit and her infuriating phsychiatrist.

****

"You did good." She smiles at me. The cuffs disappear from my wrists.

"You did good." He smiles at me. Long rows of gleaming-white teeth. The cuffs close around my wrists again.

****

I was sitting in the cafeteria again.

****

The spray of water is ice cold on my skin. 

****

Johanna hands me a piece of bread over the table.

****

I can still hear her screams. Isn't she tired?

****

Her eyes are glowing in the dark. She's going to eat me.  
"Who is she?!" the guard's hand diggs into my neck, as he pulls my head towards the TV-screen, "Tell me who she is?!"  
"She's a mutt."

****

She's going to attack. I don't care if the others are blind to it. I'm not going to die here because of  
her. Gale! My jaw hurts.  
"Let go of her!"  
I can't concentrate on him and on not getting my throat torn to shreds at the same time. I try  
to brace my fall. Where is she? Is she behind my back? I can't let her jump me while I'm on the  
ground. Why can't they see it?! Why am I the only one who sees it?!  
Gale recuperates from the punch too quickly. No! He has to let go of me! He wants to  
help her. He can see what she is! He wants to let her eat me!  
"Hey, Peeta! Look at me! It's okay. I'm no threat. Okay? Just let go. None of us is a mutt."  
Thank God, my hands are free again! Why did he let go of me? Oh. I have to remember. He's not trying  
to kill me, that's right. It's not his fault that he can't see what she is. My hands are still tight around his  
throat. I carefully loosen them a bit. Okay. I let go and get as far away as I can.  
The doctors arrive. I know better than not to go with them. I'll only end up sedated and fixated again  
that way. Why can they all sit beside her and not know anything? I'm not the crazy one. Her teeth are  
almost as long as one of Gale's fingers, how can't he see it? Are they all making fun of me? Do they  
all know? Are they mutts too, disguised to pass a humans? The capitol could do it. No, Gale said he's  
not going to hurt me. No, he hasn't hurt me. They could have hurt me, right? All the times I've been  
tied up they never hurt me. The capitol always did. They haven't. I just have to believe that they  
don't know any better. If I can't believe that they're at least humans, I'm really going to go crazy.  
They tie me up anyway, strapped down to that fucking bed again. But they don't try to put needles into  
me. The mutt is outside. I can hear her voice. Gale's too.

****

"No ones going to save you."  
"I know!"  
"They all abandoned you."  
"I know! I know!"

****

I don't know how many days it's been. They tell me I'm supposed to go on a mission. They treat me like  
I'm batshit-crazy and now they want me to go on a mission? And if I am indeed crazy as they say, that is really unreassuring. Is that some way of getting rid of me?  
Gale stares at me angrily all through the flight to District 2. What's his problem? I've never done a thing  
to him. Is it just because I hit him?...And tried to strangle him.  
It's nice. The killing that is. It takes my mind of things. Capitol men. I can just go ahead and finish them.  
It's almost meditative. And it's fun. It makes me feel calm for a change. The searing fear is gone.  
Just slam and crush and cut and smash. Gale is on the ground. None of the others seems to have noticed  
yet. Gale is not capitol. He's one of the good. It's simple. I jump over a half exploded wall and hit the soldier  
over the head with the gun of one of his fallen comrades. It's a clean skull fracture. He's not going to stand  
up again. Gale looks at me strangely. Is he going to attack?  
"Thanks."  
I turn around and head back into the midst of the battle. I jump a soldier and put his own knife right into  
his gut.

****

"Hey, Peeta. You want to work out?" Gale asks.  
I don't know what he wants at first. Then I don't know why. And I can't come up with any logical reason  
why he would want to work out with me. But I'm not going to question it, since I realised that I actually  
like to talk to someone once in a while, or at least be around someone who's not a doctor or a nurse.

****

He asks me again. I think I like him. Maybe it's just that he's exactly as I remember him. The only real  
thing around here, except my friend from school.  
Can I take the seat beside him? I'm just going to. The mutt growls at me and it takes all my self-control  
not to flinch. At least she'll have to leap over the table before she gets to me.

****

I like him. Even though I think he's scared of me.

****

Is it really me? Am I the crazy one? Gale says I am. Johanna, too. I can trust her judgement.

****

It's like there are bits and pieces colliding in my head. I see things that supposedly happened and they  
don't fit with what I know to be true. Sometimes she even looks like a girl. Just like a regular girl.  
I'm pretty sure now that I'm truly crazy. I not sure yet, whether she's really not a mutt. I have to see  
Gale.

****

The girl/mutt - mutt-girl - I don't know, looks at me with so much disdain, that it makes the tales of our  
undying love even more unlikely.

****

Feeling the knots wander through my fingers is soothing. Tying. Untying. One. Two. Three. Katniss is not a  
mutt. Four. Five. Six. The capitol did this to me. Untie. Untie. Untie. No one here wants to hurt me. Untie.  
Untie. Untie. Katniss and I went to the same school. One. Two. Three.

****

We're back from another mission. Gale's been strange today. He barely said a word on the flight back. It's  
annoying. It makes me edgy. Now he just walks off.  
"Gale! Gale?"  
He just keeps walking. What's wrong? Did I say something? Do something? I don't want to be alone again.  
I really don't want to.  
"Gale, wait!"  
"What?! What's the matter now?! Why can't you just leave me alone?!"  
"But...?"  
"We're not friends, Peeta. We've never been! Not even remotely!"  
Oh. Okay. My fault. I knew it. I know my memories of him. He didn't like me. Doesn't now.  
"Alright, fuck you."  
I walk off. I may be crazy, but I have some dignity left.

****

Maybe I don't. Social awkwardness is a welcome change to outright panic. If he wants me to leave he'll have  
to tell me so himself.  
He doesn't. I don't like him any longer. It doesn't stop me from following him though. But not liking me doesn't  
stop him from allowing me to, either.

****

Some people treat me like they don't know the difference between crazy and retarded. The way they start speaking  
slowly when addressing me. It's even worse than how they are afraid of me. Already they are afraid of me, and they  
haven't even seen what's inside my head. At least I hope they haven't.

****

"Can we talk?"  
I don't cringe anymore at her sight. Mostly, because I've had my eyes on her the second she entered the room,  
making a list of things possible to use as a weapon.  
"What about?"  
Seemingly my words have hurt her. But really she has to wake up, I think I've made it more than clear, that I  
don't have any fond memories we could revel in. I thought 'she'. That's good. The doctors say it's good. I have  
to believe it's good.  
"How...how are you?"  
"Good, I guess. Alive. Saner. I haven't attacked you yet."  
A short smile sparks up for a second. I wasn't aware I was being funny.  
"I don't want it to end like this."  
She reaches out for my hand.  
"No!" I take a step back and it takes all my self-control not to break her wrist. If I'd break her wrist, I wouldn't  
have to be scared of her touching me. If I'd break both her wrists... but no, she's human. She's not evil.  
"I'm sorry."  
She doesn't sound sorry, she sounds sullen. Well, guess what, bitch! You're not the only one having a shit day.  
"Haymitch says you looked at our games."  
"Yes."  
"Do you believe now, that...you loved me?"  
"I like it, how you always say, I loved you and not you love me."  
She looks supremely uncomformtable and I take comfort in it. People always say what a nice and selfless person  
I was. Well, I guess, I'm not any longer.

 

****

I head straight to the gym afterwards. And yes, I'm lucky. Gale's there. I need to lose some steam.  
His head whips back from my blow. He asked for it, he really did.  
It's nice, every single time again, how shocked Gale is at my strength. What did he think I stayed  
alive in the games with. It nearly makes me smile. But I don't. His kick at my knee fucks up my balance,  
but I take him to the floor with me. I'm grateful for Gale humoring me. Well, not humoring exactly. I'm  
grateful for him having the same need as I. To hurt. To destroy something. I think he's still scared of me  
to some degree, my knee connects with his jaw, which is either funny or sad, because I sure as hell  
wouldn't hurt him, I block his kick and punch him in the gut, not really. I wonder what kind of a strange  
world it was, where Gale and me weren't friends and I was in love with Katniss Everdeen.  
My arm presses against his throat, while his hands are looking for leverage in my face, something to grab.  
We kiss. It happens so fast. No. The transition does. From fighting to kissing (or is it both the same?). The  
kiss continues. I like this too.  
I smile against Gale's mouth, at the sound he makes, when I grind against him. I wonder if something like  
this would happen in the real world. I don't think so. It should.  
It would be his job to stop. I have no responsibility to. He's in love with the mutt after all. And the mutt is in  
love with me. No, Katniss. I try to imagine what it was like kissing her. It does nothing for me. It doesn't even  
scare me anymore. That's good.  
Oh, fuck! She leaves my thoughts for good.

****

Geez, he looks as if he thinks Katniss can read his mind. Well, I thought so too  
for some time, so who am I to judge?  
He looks at me like I killed his cat. And I flip him off.

He's practically dragging his feet. Does he think he's stealthy? I watch everyone in this hall, as long as  
they're in it. We've been alone for ten minutes now and it's starting to get boring.  
"Look, Peeta, that was a mistake. You're not going to tell anyone and it's never going to happen again!  
You got me?!"  
Yeah, right asshole. A thought is forming. No real thought, more a need to antagonize.  
After my hand has buried itself in Gale's hair and pulled him towards me, after our mouths inevitably  
collided and it's clear that Gale is not going to pull away, after all that it occurs to me that maybe  
this wasn't just a need to antagonize.  
And that is not a good turn of events. I can't get too attached. Gale belongs to Katniss and I belong  
to no one any longer.  
Neither of those thoughts makes me let go though. So we stay where we are.

****

I run. I breath in the scent of pine and wet leaves. I don't care about the rain pouring down on me. I just  
relish in the fact that I can be outside with no walls around me. The working of my muscles calms me.  
Johanna is staying in today, I understand why. Everyone else sane, stays in too, in this weather.  
Nature is good, always good. Not under the earth inside the quarters here. It's too close to the dungeons  
of the Capitol. Under the earth, where you can't breath, where you can't escape. Mercy. Being at someone  
elses mercy. Nothing there. Nothing down there. Nothing's your own there. Not your decisions. Not your body.  
Not your memories. You sleep when they want you to sleep. You eat when they want you to eat. You scream when  
they want you to scream.  
Out here I can be sure I'm not back there.

"Are you trying to catch a cold." Gale jogs up behind me.  
"I'm trying to live."  
He nods assentive, as if he understood a word of it. We run into the woods together. 

****

"I want to fuck you." His voice is hoarse.  
The sheer physical need is overwhelming. The rush of power is too. I can tell how much Gale wants this.  
I touch him and have to smirk. I might be a substitute-fuck, but I have all the power.  
We are in his room. When we settle on the bed, my gaze sways over to the mirror. I see a boy in the embrace of another, with blond hair that looks sun-bleached, even though the boy hasn't seen the sun for a long time. He looks smug. He meets my eyes. He looks like he has a secret he isn't sharing. I wonder where this boy is, when I'm alone at night.

****

We've just taken the mainbase of the Capitol soldiers in District four. It was a close call, the floor is  
littered with our men as much as theirs.  
We proceed into the building. There are prisoners to be freed, or at least corpses to be taken home. Gale  
and I go together. I kept close during the whole fight anyway. I feel calmer when I have him in eyesight,  
close enough to intervene should he get in danger. He's a good enough fighter, but no match for me. It doesn't  
annoy him as much as it did before. Gale stops.  
"We'll reach the cells soon. You don't have to see that."  
His hand is on my shoulder. He's allowed to do so. I'd rather have his lips on mine now, though. Especially  
after what he said.  
"More like the torture chambers, huh? No, I can manage. Don't worry, I won't freak out."  
"You are entitled to freak out!"  
Why is he angry now? I wonder if we'll fuck when we get home.

****

The floor is cold under my feet and the darkness, which usually is a comfort scares me.  
"Tell me I'm save."  
There's no answer. I can't see his face. Please. Please, not tonight. Please, please.  
"Katniss isn't a mutt, right?" I can't go back to that room! Alone. Knowing that she's lurking in the shadow.  
He can hate me in the morning. But not now. "She won't come into my room at night and eat me, right?"  
"You're save. No one will harm you here."  
His voice is sleepy. It soothes me. His voice feels like cotton wool against my mind. I want to curl into him.  
Oh god! What was that?! Is she coming here? I feel tears starting in my eyes. Here? If she's here? Has he  
betrayed me? Why is she here?  
"They're coming, right?! It's a trap, right?!"  
I don't even remember putting my fingers around his throat. Gale's punch takes me by surprise for once.  
I can't stop now. It's just survival. I can't stop.  
Somehow he got me at armlength. I see a bruise forming on his face.  
"There won't be coming anyone for you, unless you continue trying to murder me!"  
He's right. Of course. I still knew it when I got here. I'm nearly really crying now. My jaw is clenched though,  
my muscles ache. Adrenaline's still pouring into my blood. Why is Gale looking so angry? It's his fault it got  
that far.  
"Sorry." I came here for his help. It's his fault, for not reacting sooner. I don't want to go back out there, though.  
"Sure, anytime. If you feel like murdering someone just drop by."  
"It's not my fault." I don't want to go back. I want to stay with him.  
"Yeah, well, I don't care."  
He doesn't want me. I want to stay so bad. He doesn't want me at all. Why is it, he can hurt me at a time like  
this? I don't think the real me would have treated him that way if our positions were reversed. But it doesn't  
matter, I'm not there. I never will be.  
I go back and the darkness closes around me. I can't go any further. I sink down, curling up at his doorstep.  
Here at least he'll hear me if I scream. Though he'll hardly come.  
Cold wakes me. The light is on. That means outside day has started again. I pull my frozen, aching limbs up,  
giving the door one last look, before I reenter the room I fled, only four hours earlier.  
I want to hurt him. But even more I want him to pull me into the warmth of the bed he shunned me from.

****

I can trust no one, that much is clear now. One would think they tought me that at the Capitol. But they always  
told me I'm a slow learner, just before they put me back into the ice water. I don't think I am a slow learner.  
I learned quickly just how I had to breath to lose consciousness the quickest way. I learned to let my body go  
lax when they hit me, so it wouldn't hurt that much. I learned to say whatever they wanted so the pain would end.  
I learned to forget the name and face of the girl that got tortured to death in the cell beside me. I learned  
not to ask "How are you, Johanna?" or "Where's that boy that arrived yesterday?"

****

People give me looks as I enter the gym in my black combat-gear. Well, not everyone. Johanna's giving me a look  
of another kind.  
I train for a while alone. I feel Gale's eyes on me. Yeah, I'm good enough to fuck, but when things get messy  
he's gone.  
He wants it that way? He can get it that way. He's seen my fucking-nice side so far. He motions me to spar together.  
I have to stiffle a laugh. Does he really think he's up to that?  
I put him to the floor quickly. Gale is a good fighter. That's the first thing I liked about him. That he didn't go  
easy on me and didn't expect me to either. If you need an outlet for pent up violence bordering on psychosis, that  
quality is priceless.  
He gets me in the stomach. Once upon a time that would have knocked me out, but since the Capitol I developed a  
certain tolerance to it. I catch my breath and throw Gale to the ground. There's a satisfying thump, followed  
by a curse when he hits the mat. He might think he's tough shit but if I wanted he'd been dead five minutes after  
we started.  
He stays there, half up, half down and I wonder if he's ever going to get up again.  
"You know what? You're not even remotely nice either. But you're right, it's not your fault."  
"Yeah, but it's not your problem either." I can guess where this is going. He is perfectly justified too. We don't  
belong to each other. In the end we all belong to Katniss, don't we?  
"Yeah, well, maybe it is now."  
I thought he was finished. I'm not sure what he means. I look at his face and he smiles at me in a way people do when they're uncomformtable. »Maybe it is now.« What does that mean? An obligation? A promise? A realisation?

When he's in me that night I'm not any closer to answering that questions. But as his breath becomes mine  
and the only sound I hear is my name over and over, I think that it means it was inevitable.

****

It's obscure who's using whom and for what.

****

"What does it feel like?"  
Oh wow, we've only been hanging out for several months and he's already asked me how I'm feeling. Sarcasm  
aside I'm not sure I want to talk about it. I would have that night, but right now everything's alright and  
I know once I start talking it won't be any longer. Not for me, not for him.  
I start talking though. All I've got are my piece of rope and the wall. I don't look anywhere else, because actually  
I'm not even in the room. I'm lying on a gurney, the needle in my veins. Everytime single time I hear the  
buzzing of their wings. "Secrets are dangerous, Peeta." - "Yes, I'll tell you everything." And so I did. Every  
single time.  
"It feels like I'm running constantly. I never can pause or slow down. I never know when the panic will  
get too much again and I just lash out. Objectively I know that Katniss isn't a mutt. But I don't feel  
it. All I know is that almost everything here scares me nearly to death." I'm back there. I'm not back there.  
The seasons in my head change all the time. The snow castles I build, melting away the second I finish them.  
And I know it will never be gone. Sometimes I don't know how I'm supposed to face it staying like this forever.  
But then I remember to think in smaller time intervalls. First I'll have to survive until tomorrow, then I can  
start thinking about how to continue from that. I don't tell him that. "I'd like to be asleep most of the times,  
because then the fear gets a little less, not that I have any pleasant dreams. It doesn't help that everybody tells  
me it ain't real. It feels real to me. And sometimes I feel like everyone else is mocking me. Like they know I'm  
right, but they won't tell me." That's the truth. He's the person with the deepest insight into my head, since the  
Capitol.  
"You will get better. You'll be fine."  
People just should shut up, if all they have to say are empty lines. I give him a little more reality than he bargained  
for now.  
"No, I won't. The only thing they can do for me is handle the panic a little better, but whatever's fucked  
up in my brain will stay that way for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm exhausted."  
I still stare past his face. I don't need to see him stumbling for words, before pity settles on his face with finality,  
like all my doctors before. The crazy boy with the rope, that's what I'm going to stay. And there's no Finnick Odair in  
my story.  
My field of vision is blocked. I don't even react, my reflexes have become slow around him. His lips are warm. And I  
think I love him then.

****

I kill for him. Only for him now. When he's on a mission so am I. I won't let anyone get too close to him. He lets me stay, so I stay.  
And when at the end of the day he takes the sweaty, dusty combat-suit off me, that's all I ask for.

****

I'm outside when the alarms go off. We're in District 11. It's rare they let me wander off on my own.  
A granate goes off right beside me. I pull a girl that is crouched on the floor, crying hysterically,  
off with me. They can't think straight like this, I can. One of the soldiers told me so the other day.  
That's why they don't mind me coming with them, even though they think I'm round the bend two times.  
It occurs to me then that 'round the bend two times' would actually imply that I'm not crazy at all.  
I'll grab the sniper rifle of a dead body and aim for the head of the guy flying one of the helicopters.  
It goes down, up in flames when it hit's one of the rooftops. The rotorblade flies a little bit on it's  
own before it gets stuck in another house wall. I get into one of the crevices created by collapsed  
buildings and stay there, while the bombs go down. I hold the girl in place when she wants to run away.  
The bombs sound close, but not too close. It's safest where we are. 

We get back. I had no doubt about it. The dead littered what's left of the street all our way back.  
She cries all the time, and my arms are scratched all the way up, but I don't know her and that's a  
big plus in her favor. Gale comes rushing towards me. I wasn't worried about him. He was in a  
conference in one of the former police stations, those some bombs can't take down.  
"Why the fuck didn't you report back to base straight away?! Where's your fucking walky-talky?!"  
"Broken."  
"He put down one of the birds out there, commander." One of the soldiers actually takes my side.  
Gale doesn't care. It makes my heart jump up and down.  
"You're staying here for now, understood? And if you see people running, you run with them!" He glares  
at me. His hand brushes some dirt out of my hair.  
All in all it was a huge disaster. Many civilians died. Though, who's really a civilian in these times. It takes Gale hours to come back from the meetings. I know, because our rooms here are beside each other and I can hear him when he walks down the floor to his room. My door opens.

****

Even though I won't ask again, I know he wouldn't send me away again.

****

I know that I'm not in the Captiol any longer.  
I know that Haymitch is a friend.  
I know that I mustn't kill Katniss.  
I know that Gale lying in my bed right now is real.  
I know what it means that we find ourselves in the each others beds every night.  
I know what it means that we spend most of our time together now.  
I know what he thinks when he looks at me and even when he doesn't.  
I know what it means when he traces my lips with his thumb.  
I know what it means that we don't hit to hurt any longer.

But then, I was pretty sure Katniss is a mutt. And the past tense in that is only wishful thinking.

****

I want him for myself. All to myself. I don't want to belong to Katniss. I want to belong to him.

**** 

I'm not asleep. I slept though, which is odd enough in itself. I know Gale doesn't want me to stay, so  
I'll just keep lying there, with the nice drowsy feeling that is almost as good as sleeping used to be,  
before they got even into my dreams.  
"Hey, rise and shine."  
Ah, now Gale wants me gone. I don't feel like going though. I can't remember us ever doing this, actually  
staying in the same bed for a lengthy amount of time, that didn't include sex.  
"What time is it?"  
"Too late for round two. Too early for getting up."  
I'm just testing my boundaries here, when I dig myself deeper into his pillows.  
"What, you're staying?"  
"You mind?" I don't face him, but if he wants me gone, he'll have to work for it.  
"No. I'll wake you early enough, so you'll have time to get back."  
Everything changes constantly. I know the word for something changing for the worse is 'detoriation', but  
I don't know what you call it when something changes for the better. But it looks like I'll have to find  
out.

****

Mission completed. We pack up our equipment. I disassemble the sniper gun they'll let me have by now.  
Gale walks past me. No, he doesn't. He stops beside me. I wonder what he wants.  
I finish my task, while he just stands there. Finally I look up impatiently.  
"Are you ready to go?" Gale asks.  
Oh, yes. Something called waiting for someone.

****

We get down into the sewers. Pollux' plan of the system is pretty acurate.

If there was something I didn't need it was that little heart-to-heart with Katniss. Finally I had fallen  
asleep. I wake to a familiar sound. It's stirring inside me, coiling, wanting to break out. I know why  
I'm here.  
"Katniss." The name rolls of my tongue. I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. But I also know  
what I will do. "Katniss! Get out of here!" I see how she relaxes the hand already around her bow. Even with it, I  
could kill her so easily. It's what the Capitol trained me for, what they created me for. It would be so  
easy. And the coiling pull inside me would stop. But Gale's here with me. And even without him I still/again  
have a concept of what's right and wrong.  
They arm themselves. I watch them detached. All I can do is whisper her name again and again with my brothers.  
A giggle builds up in me at how ridiculous all this is. Gale looks over at me, brows furrowed. He's not checking  
if I'm a threat, he's worried. That brings me back down. Gale is in here. I have to protect Gale.

What awaits us along our unordered retreat is genuinely horrible. Especially when they get to the Avoxes.  
I remember Darius' screams, vividly like they're sketched into my skin.  
But I'm used to horrors, my whole life is nothing but fear. The first of us dies. I think his name was  
Messalla or something. We have to keep moving.  
Katniss reaction to the rose-odour reminds me of my reaction when I'd first been out of the hospital and  
close enough to actually smell her.

The next stay behind. I appreciate their sacrifice. We need to survive, but while their main subjective is  
Katniss, I'm very much willing to strike her down myself if there's no other choice. Gale will probably kill  
me afterwards. Or at least try. But I can live with his hate, I just can't live with his death.

There aren't many of us left and the mutts are winning ground. We finally see them up close, when they make  
their way through the sewer.  
"Katnisss, Katnisss, Katnisss!"  
It's like she's being haunted by my nightmares. I see the beasts but they don't scare me. I know they  
might just as well be only in my imagination.  
We kill the first of them. I tear one of Gale, when it's trying to bite his neck. I see something like surprise  
in it's eyes, when it dies. Maybe because it didn't see fear in my eyes, maybe because it can tell we're the  
same. It feels like little clicking noises in my head. I see them and I feel my mission. I feel the twitching in  
my hands. I let the feeling come, I can control it.  
They don't stop coming. They pool out of every crevice it seems. Soon they'll make it through the sewer.  
They're fast and hard to kill. We'll never make it out of here like this. I throw a look up to the ladder.  
"I'll stay behind." Finnick says.  
"I'll stay with you."  
All eyes are directed at me. Katniss' eyes are wide with horror and for a second I feel bad for her.  
"No, you can't!" Katniss and Gale speak at the same time.  
I don't even answer to that. Finnick saved my life. Not Gale. Gale, makes my life worth living, but  
Finnick saved it.  
They get moving again. There's no time for discussion and we all know it. Seconds can make the difference.  
Gale stays behind. I give him an angry look.  
"I'll stay too."  
"No, you don't. Don't be so fucking selfish! People depend on Katniss surviving!" Like I give a shit. But he  
seems to buy it. Good. "I'd appreciate it if you leave me your gun though."  
He leaves far too slow. "Get the fuck out!" I scream at him. He vanishes up the ladder. Not one second to soon.  
The lizards are just crawling up the sewer wall. They are probably frightening, but they don't know how determined  
I am to return from this. Finnick will get back to his crazy wife and maybe Gale will have something crazy  
returning to him too.  
"Let's climb too." I motion to the ladder. "There's no use in us dying right down here. We have to stay on top of them."  
We climb after them, while we shoot what's coming up. All the time I keep and eye on those above us, making sure they're ahead of us.  
We're out of bullets. I gut the next thing with my knife. Finnick has an ugly gash at his leg, but he's keeping up.  
The others have finally reached the top. I look over at Finnick. He smiles relieved. Mission accomplished.  
"Jump!" I rip him off the platform with me, when the explosion shreds everything above us to pieces, raining down bits of mutt on us, while we hang on to the ladder of a lower platform.  
Up is out of the question now. The pipe is blocked. So we have to go down again. Down where the mutts are. We slide down the steps of the ladder, slithery with blood and intestine.  
Down the mutts awaits us, for now stopped in their advance, disoriented by the explosion. So many and still more to come.  
I see them and remember my mission. The familiar smell of roses that had been the only smell I'd been breathing for so long.  
"What is your mission, soldier?!" There's the stinging pain again. I can't breath. "What is your mission, soldier?!"  
"Kill Katniss."  
"Peeta?!" Finnick looks at me and I can't guess what he sees in my face that shocks him so much.  
"Put on my shirt." I say, striping it of my chest.  
"What?"  
"Put on my shirt!"  
The mutts are only a few metres below us.  
He stops arguing. I watch him do it.  
I take one more look down and just let go, giving in to the need inside me. My hand lets go of the ladder, the other pulling Finnick with me as we fall in the midst of the mutts.  
I land eye to eye with one of the beasts. It's eyes are just as empty as my own.  
"Katniss." My mission has always been with me. "Katniss." I let the name roll of my tongue once more and again and again. I can't stop. It looks at me and it knows me and I know it.  
"Katnisss." It answers.  
"Katnisss." The others chime in.  
They start moving again, scrambling over me and Finnick, making their way up the platforms, past us.  
I start moving again, too, never letting go of Finnick.  
"Katniss. Katniss," I can't stop saying it.  
"Where are we going." Finnick asks after we pass another tunnel, his voice sounds unsure if he's even going to get an answer.  
"This is my mission. I know the way." In afterthought I add, "I know another exit."  
I know this place. I've seen the blue-prints. Even the traps. It's all in my head. Just beside the red hot pain telling me to kill Katniss. It's biting into my synapses, tearing at my sanity. Katniss. Katniss. Katnisskatnisskatnisskatnisskatnisskatniss.  
"You're not going to try killing me are you?" Finnick breaks the silence after a while.  
I smile at him. It strikes me funny that he should ask, I don't know why.  
"Finnickkk." I say. "You're empty," I add when his fingers twitch for his gun. "Don't worry I won't make you regret, having restarted my heart." It's funny that this memory comes back to me just now.  
"You seem to be alright, if you still can make jokes."  
"Don't say that now that Katniss isn't even around." It's true though. Right now I'm only doing exactly what the Capitol programmed me to. I'm going after Katniss. If we actually find her all bets are off.  
Just then in front of us the next canalisation exit shows.  
"No, now I definitely have no regrets."

I have an vague knowledge of where we are compared to where the others must be now. Katniss, Pollux, Cressida and Gale.  
Not many. But that might be an asset when you're trying to stay undetected.  
"Where would they go?"  
"I'm not sure, but there's a connection from Plutarch close by. Only to be contacted in emergencies. This would definitely classify as an emergency."

We enter the shop from the backside, hopefully Finnick remembered correctly. Hopefully Katniss didn't make the mistake of leaving Gale behind somewhere.  
Someone's behind me. My hand goes to my knife, getting ready. I know his smell. Gale. My hand goes slack. A hand grabs me throwing me against the wall. I block the knife going for my throat.  
Gale's breath catches in his throat.  
"Peeta?" The knife doesn't budge. I doubt the Capitol has a special Peeta-mutt in store, but I appreciate him being careful.  
"Hey." I kiss him. He crushes me to his chest, only for a moment than he lets go. His hand, wrapped around mine, is shaking.  
Finnick doesn't comment on it.  
We join the others inside the shop. Katniss lets out a cry when she sees me. It's like a signal to me. I smell roses again and I want to feel her blood under my nails. Katniss, it sings inside my head, Katniss. Gale, I return. Gale. I'm not going to kill her today. I'm not going to kill her today. I don't even think she's a mutt any longer. I just want her dead. No, the Capitol wants her dead. Snow wants her dead. I try to recall Darius mangled body being dragged out beside my cell. I try to recall my blood on the floor of the cell. I picture my first games. Not the videos they showed me. Bits and pieces that weren't caught on camera. I try to recall my memories while I was lying in the mudd, waiting to bleed to death. I loved her then. I was willing to die for her as I'm now for Gale. I recall the day I gave her the bread. There're no videos of that. Even though the Capitol knew that story too. I recall every blackened spot on the bread, the smell of it, the heat of it under my fingers, compared to the cold outside. I loved her then. I imagine her in my hospital room, bristling and uncomfortable and mean, trying to talk to me and failing spectecularly. I didn't love her then, but she isn't a mutt either. She's just a girl. A girl I loved so dearly once I can almost smell the memory of it.  
I feel my body again. It's shaking. My shirt's clinging to my body, soaked with sweat. My lip is bleeding, I slowly losen  
my teeth around it. The others are staring at me, Gale both blocking Katniss from me and me from Cressida's firing range.  
"I'm okay." I choke out over a tongue that feels like bloated paper.

We move on. We still have a mission. When the need gets too overwhelming again, I push my knife under the nail of my thumb until it draws blood. It's a nice, cold pain compared to that in my head. It's sane pain. The kind of pain I learned to miss once they started with the tracker-jackers.

****

The flames are flaring up high all around us, more smoke inside my lungs then air. Then Gale  
is at my side.  
"Gale." I don't know where I am. I don't know if the body under me is a mutt. But that's okay.  
He's here. Katniss starts running.  
"Prim! Priiiim! We have to get her!"  
She's so loud. Her voice shrills in my head. I'm at her side. She can't go and die now.  
"She is dead. We both saw her go up in flames." I tell her what I know to be true. "There's nothing  
we can do."  
"Let go of me!!! You don't know that! You don't know that! She could still be..."  
She cries. I don't know if a mutt can cry. I've never seen one do it. I know how to kill a mutt. But  
I don't know how to comfort this crumpled, crying girl.  
Gale puts his arms around her. I could put my arms around her too, but it wouldn't be for a hug. A  
burned girl. The girl that's on fire. A girl. Hair streaked with blood, half burned. Just like I must  
be. When I hesitantly touch the fabric of my shirt at the back, it comes off taking skin with it.  
"We need to get a doctor for Peeta," Gale says.  
And I think, yeah, maybe we really should.

****

The pain is blinding and white and all encompassing. My blood is gum in my veins. Faces move by. Time  
is moving forward and back at the same time. And all the time a mockingjay is burning in front of my  
eyes.  
"You don't have much competition anywhere." She loves me. She loves me not. "Peeta! They're gone." Clink.  
Clink. Against the bars. "When he sang the mockingjays stopped to listen." There's an IV in my arm. I can't  
see it, but it's there. "Open your eyes, Peeta." It smells like fresh bread. "She's a fighter that one."  
She's a mutt that one. "They say we were in love, but from what I've seen it looked more like you were  
trying to kill me." I feel pity for her. For the little burned girl. And the other burned girl. "Save her!"  
I can almost feel that I can't live without her. "May the odds be ever in your favor." Black ink drips from  
the ceiling into the faces of the people. I can't recognize them any longer. It's sticky in my throat. I  
cough, but the only sound that comes out- "Katnisss. Katnissss."  
She is burning. And I can't let her go. And I know I should and I must. I know the boy who would have saved  
her, even though he's no longer there. I know what I have to do. I know my mission. And I run. Something inside  
my head breaks and then it's finally peaceful.  
When did Gale get here?  
"Hey. How're you feeling?"  
"Okay."  
Gale touches me. So lightly as if I could break. Which is funny considering.  
"You saved Katniss..."  
It's a question that much is obvious. Why can't he ask it, when we all know how it is?  
"It's what I would have done. What I would have wanted, right?" I loved her after all, didn't I? I know I would die  
for Gale.  
"Yes, you would have."  
I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how in love Katniss and me had been. I'm sick of hearing it again and again.  
You can't beat a dead horse.  
"You know...It's my fault Prim's dead."  
What? Why? That makes no sense. Gale loves Katniss, he wouldn't kill Prim. He wasn't even there when it happened.  
"Me and Beetee, we built the bomb, we thought up the whole trap. It wasn't supposed to be used against the children.  
We didn't know what Coin would do. But it doesn't matter. And sooner or later Katniss will put the pieces together.  
We've hunted together for too long. She knows the way I work."  
"It isn't you're fault," It's stupid that we're even talking about this. Even I can see that it's not his fault.  
"You know what's ironic?"  
He's touching me again. Everything hurts but where he's touching me. Maybe if he keeps doing it, I could forget the  
pain enough to fall asleep again.  
"Uh-uh."  
"I thought it would hurt much more to lose Katniss."  
"It doesn't?" I can't even comprehend that fast. I try to retrace my steps, looking where I obviously understood wrong.  
"No."  
It wasn't me getting something wrong. But I still don't understand the point Gale is making. Because it should be bad  
for Gale to lose Katniss, because Gale loves Katniss. If you lose someone you love, you hurt. Unless you got brainwashed.  
Gale didn't get brainwashed.  
"Because of me?" I almost don't dare to make the assumption, expecting to get laughed at my face.  
"Yeah, because of you."  
That changes a lot. It's the last thought I form, before the unnaturally induced sleep finally takes me.

****

They say it's over. It doesn't feel over to me. Snow is dead. I feel a certain satisfaction, but also a strange void.  
Should I say that I regret not having killed him myself? What for? Wouldn't change anything for me in the long run.  
It's good to know that all those cells are now empty, though.

Katniss is going to rebuild District 12. I'm supposed to be there too. I'm being shown around an awful lot these last days. All those parades. Whereever we go, waving, smiling, saying things, like how grateful we are for the trust they put into us, how good and inevitable the fall of the Capitol has been, how proud everyone should feel for standing up.  
It's like another Victor's Tour through all the districts.  
I smile for the pictures. I say what they want me to say. I even hold Katniss' hand (not without a shitload of pills, of course).  
We look beautiful. They patched us up good, you can barely tell, where it's skin-transplants and where it's real. Yes, we have to look good. We are victors after all. Again.

But it is over at one point. We all return to our homes, that mostly aren't homes any longer. Other people take over our places. People like Plutarch and Cressida. People like Gale. Not Katniss. Katniss is done with this world, just like I am. Probably she's just as damaged as me.

It all ends in District Thirteen. Finnick and Annie leave first, for District Four. I say goodbye and I really am sad that he's going. They both hug me without inhibitions.  
In a few days Haymitch and Katniss will make for the remains of District Twelve, together with all the other survivors. I can't really say I care.  
What really bugs me is that Gale is going to District Two tomorrow. I don't know where that'll leave me. I don't mind staying in District Thirteen. It's as far away from the Capitol as possible.

It's these days I try to paint again for the first time. It becomes a rose. A large red rose and more and more, until they cover the whole canvas. I rip it off the stand and throw it into the garbage. The next one is Katniss, in all her beauty, hair braided, face determined, bow-string stretched taut. This one I don't throw away.

****

"You'll never be able to forgive me for what happened to Prim, won't you?"  
"..."  
"I'm going to District 2 there's a lot of work waiting there. Peeta is coming with me."  
That's how it's supposed to be. That's what he's supposed to say. Maybe now my war will end too.  
Katniss stares at me as if she can't believe it. I realise that it's panic I see in her eyes. She gives  
up finally. This time for good, I hope. But she won't be a problem of mine any longer. I start to leave.  
"Gale, are you coming?"

****

I visit Johanna a last time before we leave. She admitted herself to the psychiatric facility here. She said, if she was going to do it, she might as well do it right.  
She looks skinny and tired. I hold her hand. Not to give comfort, but to seek some of it myself. My big sister, that what she feels like. I'm going to miss her. I realise that she has no one left either.  
"When you're better, come to District 2," I tell her.  
She nods, pressing my hand.  
How little it takes to fuck someone up. And how long it takes to heal them. 

****

I won. We will be together. It's still unbelievable. I'm sitting beside him in one of the trains I drove to  
my games in, both times. The one Katniss and I were paraded around the districts recently, too. Now it's no longer the Capitol's train. It belongs to everyone now.  
I'm jittery, mainly also because Gale is radiating nervosity.  
Gale speaks up and tries to reassure me in his own way, not really grasping my problems, though.  
Yes, I'm nervous too. Nervous about this new life. Nervous that I might not be enough for Gale. And, yes, nervous that Gale might not be enough for me.  
I make him laugh, though. And for now, that's plenty enough.

****

The air is already getting chilly, the sun having started to go down, while we were still in the train. When we last arrived here, a lot of those buildings were burning. And we had arrived in a military helicopter.  
Now, there's none of that. It's a different world. A world with no mutts and no needs for crazy fighters. Gale  
wants me in this world. A lot of people would want the old Peeta. The hero of District 12, who saved so many  
lifes. So noble and brave. I remember that day only in a haze. Being the hero they want, would mean being at  
Katniss' side, showing everyone that good prevailed. I'm not that Peeta any longer. But I'm not the Peeta, the  
Capitol created either. I didn't do what they wanted when I saved Katniss in the sewers, I didn't do what they  
wanted, when I shielded her from the fire. Just like I didn't do what they wanted when I warned the people in  
District 13. I was never theirs. I remember my words before my first games now. I wanted to stay myself. I think  
I did. Whatever that means. I don't think that this is the life the old Peeta would have wanted. But maybe, staying  
true to myself, means something different now. I don't even know what I'm going to do from now on. It don't know  
what I want to do. I just followed Gale, in the hopes that this is real.  
"Who am I now?"  
"Whoever you want to be."

**Author's Note:**

> Please volunteer to leave a comment! ^.^


End file.
